Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
