Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
