it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
