there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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