Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
