I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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