fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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