Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
