hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
