Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
