god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
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you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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