not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
