ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Is it because I queefed?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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