I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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