Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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