I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
