Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
