He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
