I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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