I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
