When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
