Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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