Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
