And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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