Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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