i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
