He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
