Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
