In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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