Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize