I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
