Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Four minutes until I can fart!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Randomize
