We won't sleep together?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
