What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
