Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
