I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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