I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
