I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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