The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
