im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
