Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
