Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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