You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
