Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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