I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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