I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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