last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
