worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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