If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
