I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
