I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
