Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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