you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
